Sabotage

This afternoon I plopped down in my coworker's office.  She's an incredible person -- wise beyond her years due living through some difficult circumstances during the last couple of years.  I find her an inspiration both professionally and personally.  But I digress.

"Vanessa?" I began.  "Is it possible to unintentionally and subconsciously sabotage your career?"  I sighed wearily.

I've always prided myself on my great attention to detail and my tendency to turn in flawless work.  Not that I'm perfect, not by any means, but producing quality work has sort of been *my thing.*  Coworkers and bosses like to come to me to double and triple check important things before sending them out to a broader audience.  And normally, I do really excel in this area.

Not so much this week.  Yesterday I had to recall an e-mail to a high-level exec (e.g., attempt to delete it before it's read) FOUR TIMES before getting it right.  I put the wrong due date for an action in the subject line of an e-mail, which sent people rushing about in a panic before I realized my mistake.  And today, I found out that I inadvertently missed 2 pages of a spreadsheet when I'd converted an important document to PDF form for my boss to send out.  (Unfortunately, none of us caught it in time, and now my boss will have to resend.  I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, but when you're in the government there's at least one organization that you want to always send the correct information to.  And yeah, that was it.)

It's no secret that I've been less than thrilled with this job.  But until this week, I felt like I was doing a reasonable job of sucking it up each day.  Not so much anymore.  My mind's not in the work, my soul's not connected to the organization. 

So I kind of knew what Vanessa was going to say when I approached her in her office this afternoon.  "Yes, it's possible," she replied.  She described some of the challenges that she's had in various work situations -- particularly one incident where she was working in a toxic environment and it was impacting both her work and her personal perspective. 

What she said next made a lot of sense.  "I had to learn to just let it go," she explained.  She knew the environment was not going to change, and she couldn't control it anyway.  But what she COULD control was her reaction to the toxicity.  So she stopped letting it impact her life so much.

I know she's seeing in me now some of what she saw in herself back then.  And I appreciate her advice and perspective tremendously.  I'm hoping I can do it.

And I took some first steps today, after talking to Vanessa.  I left work an hour and a half early and picked up Rosie from day care right after her nap.  We went to the nearby shopping center to see their huge Christmas tree and shared a pretzel and lemonade.  It was a good reminder to me that life is not about work.  Life is about life, and one of my top 3 reasons for living was right there next to me at the shopping center, clamoring for another bite of pretzel.  And another ride on the escalator.  And trying to climb the 60 foot tree, and attempting to push over the giant inflatable snow globe...

As if the trip with Rosie wasn't reminder enough that I need to focus on life -- I had a big fat envelope in my mailbox this afternoon.  It was this awesome poster from Jen Lemen, which I ordered over the weekend.  (I've been a lurker on Jen's site for some time, but I decided it was about time I bought one of her excellent designs.) 

This poster is absolutely the perfect reminder of what I need to remember each morning:

Today is a new day!
You can start fresh, wipe the slate clean, & begin again.
Today you can embrace kindness
Practice compassion
Stand up for justice
Talk to strangers ("honestly, I am happy to help!")
Ask for help * Offer hope
Listen with your whole heart
Work for the common good * Love well
You can be the change you wish to see in the world (!!) (emphasis mine)

I'm gonna go get a frame for that puppy and stick it up in my bedroom when I can look at it every morning.  I'm thinking a copy for my cubicle might not be a bad idea either...

Comments

[lildb]

you're at a kind of checkpoint in life right now, aren't you, sweetie. I hope you get enough juice and snacks (and posters) to keep you going.

xoxo and a big, ole squeezy-hug for you.

[mayberry]

I hope the time is coming, very soon, when you can seize that big new idea you have and run with it!

[Kate Mefford from Juxtapose Photography]

Wow...what a great post. I think I need that poster, too...the holidays are makin' me cah-razy!

[maggie]

I kind of feel the same way...I think I need a sabbatical.

The poster is great.

[slouching mom]

what lildb said.

hang in there. (do you remember that poster from the seventies? of the cat hanging from the branch?)

xxoo

[Claudia]

"" and one of my top 3 reasons for living was right there next to me at the shopping center, clamoring for another bite of pretzel. ""

* smiles * Yeah, it's THAT simple sometimes, isn't it?

[mamatulip]

You may not necessarily feel this way all the time, but you sound very level-headed and on top of things in your post. Hang in there. :)

[Julie]

I know what you mean.

I'm glad you and Rosie went out and had fun. That's a great idea.

[Redneck Mommy]

I empathize. Hang in there, chicky.

[ozma]

Sounds like you found someone wise to talk to. I'm sorry you are having a hard time of it. But you have so much wisdom yourself. It's great to read how you approach things. So much the opposite of myself! But so well and intelligently.

[LawyerMama]

Good for you!

(I need one of those posters too....)

[Selfmademom]

I sooo hear you. Maybe I need that poster as well...

[Dawn]

That's wonderful. Jen Lemen is totally a nice way to reinforce yourself :)