My new project

I've been thinking a lot in the last couple of weeks about my life.  I feel like I've been in a state of upheaval throughout the fall -- still adjusting to the new job, getting used to having a kindergarten student, and working through all of Rosie's speech therapy and school transition issues.  Now that the dust is starting to settle a little bit, I have been able to breathe deeply and take a look around. 

I've realized something.  I don't like where I am and what I am doing.

I'm not unhappy in every way -- certainly my marriage is solid and wonderful (as we prepare to celebrate a decade plus one years tomorrow), my girls are joyful and healthy and thriving in their new environments, and my parents will be moving to the DC metro area at the end of next month.  But my job is literally sucking the life out of me.

At first I thought I was just missing my old coworkers, the autonomy I enjoyed in my old position, stuff like that.  But I'm getting into the groove -- making new friends, working independently, understanding the quirks of a new place -- and it's just not getting any better.  In fact, it's worse. 

Unfortunately, the stuff that's bad is out of my control and out of the control of my boss.  My boss is great, and I know he would love to keep me productive and happy for as long as possible.   But he can't fix the personality of an upper manager whose mood ebbs and flows like the tide; he can't fix the political issues that make it hard for me to do my job; he can't singlehandedly improve morale in a place where it's desperately lagging. 

It's not just all that, either -- it's just that the information-centric work that I've been doing for nearly 15 years (through four workplaces and two related Master's degrees) has lost its appeal for me.  I'm tired of spending hours of my life at a desk having to pull teeth to get one tiny scrap of data from a coworker, then incorporating that scrap into a 10,000 word report that ~maybe~ two people in this entire world actually care about.  If I were to die tomorrow I could not honestly say that my job has done ANYTHING to advance the human race.  And that is really, really starting to bother me.

So this past weekend I was mulling over the events of the past several months... Rosie's progress with speech therapy, Mimi's entrance into school, my dissatisfaction with my job and the effect it's had on my household (after a suck-ass day, who the hell wants to process laundry or clean the kitchen?)  My mind wandered back to CityMama's recent posts about Project Life Change and her own major life overhaul.  And suddenly this little, tiny kernel of thought started to worm its way into my brain -- and by the time my friend Chloe came over for a glass of wine on Sunday night, it was like an overflowing movie bucket of popcorn just begging to be shared.  I spilled my guts about my plan (wine will loosen a girl up just enough like that), and Chloe's encouragement helped me to bring my idea into the light of day. 

This post is already way long, so I won't keep going now lest it become a 10,000 word essay like all those unimportant reports I produce at work.  Let me just say I'm researching options, ideas for a career where I can make a difference in the lives of the people I work with.  Where I come home each day fulfilled rather than frustrated.  If I can follow the path I'm envisioning, I'll pretty much have to start my career over -- but I can tell you that I'm completely jazzed about it, much more so than I was when pursuing either of my other degrees or working in any of my jobs to date.  I'm still figuring it all out, but it's fun to finally have a goal that feels like it's all MINE.

(Don't worry, peeps, it's not multilevel marketing or some other cult-like thing.  I won't be hitting you all up to buy reusable plastic containers or wrapping paper or chocolates formed by hand in the rain forest.)  :-)

Comments

[Kvetch]

If not now, when? Go for it! You only get one trip around the block...make it a wonderful ride.

[Serendipity, baby!]

No time like the present! Hope it ends up being all it's cracked up to be. :)

[green3]

You Go Girl! And we'll be rooting for you from the sidelines! Life is too short to not be happy. Way too short.

[Suzanne]

Wow! This is so brave of you. And inspirational. I mean, even without the rain forest chocolates.

[mayberry]

That is fantastic! Just to know what you want is a HUGE step forward. Can't wait to hear more.

[PunditMom]

Chocolates could be OK! Seriously, I applaud you. Going through this process has been a continual one for me since PunditGirl came along -- making me realize that those years in law school, and MANY afterwards, weren't fulfilling. We're with you, MMM. Keep us posted.

[Jamie]

I am so happy for you Nancy!!! Good for you. I've been doing a lot of this type thinking myself lately (I do a lot of editing for very dry business documents and it's a "great" job by many standards with lots of flexibility for mama time so I feel somewhat stuck.)

I can't wait to read more about your new career choice! And Happy Anniversary to you and J. :)

[Dawn]

Oh good luck! It's scary to look at change - be brave and I'm crossing my fingers for you.

[Sueb0b]

How great. I am in the same place with my job. I am so proud of you for taking action.

[maggie]

Good luck! I find my job to be a complete dilemma - I like what it is and what I do - but I'm sort of feeling like I'm at a dead end, and I have kindergarten looming next year. I will be very interested in hearing about your life changes.

[MotherPie]

Retool and refuel. The wonderful thing about being a woman is we know how to create and we know about cyclical movements, ebbs and flows in life.

Good luck.

[Stephanie]

What an great post to start off my morning! You're so smart to realize that change is the best thing for you, and so brave to act on it. Good luck!

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

Good for you. I can't wait to hear more about it!

[DaniGirl]

Oh, good for you!! Change can be terrifying, but the best things in my life have come from leaps of faith. Good luck! (and now I'm craving movie popcorn. Thanks for that.)

[Audrey]

That is so awesome. I have watched Tim go from unfulfilling jobs to hugely fulfilling grad school to pursue his teaching dream, and the difference it has made in our lives is incredible. Sure, we are currently on a VERY tight budget to pay for tuition and everything else on my tiny income, but I would gladly go deep into debt if that's what it took. Seeing him as happy as he is now is worth every penny, every cute pair of shoes left on the rack at the store, every ramen noodle lunch. Do whatever you have to do, Nancy. It will be 100% worth it.

[Julie]

Go for it! I can hardly wait to hear more.

[slouching mom]

Perfect. Go for it! Who wants to spend so many hours of a life feeling unfulfilled?

[Ally]

Holy toledo. It's like we're living parallel lives. I had the same exact week, with the same result: I am brainstorming and researching and on my way to a new career. Exciting, no?

[V-Grrrl]

I'll be re-entering the work force after three years of living in Belgium and blogging.

It's been the most stimulating and creative period of my life, and I'm desperate to figure out how to keep the momentum going when I return to work next spring.

[Pendullum]

Go for it!!!!!!
Would have loved to have been there to hear all and share the wine and the popcorn....
This is the next best thing....
Go FOR IT!!!!

[Amy]

I totally feel you. As soon as we get this freaking kitchen done I am going to focus on my educational goals again. Working in marketing in the wine industry is FAB-ulous, but totally unfulfilling. I'd rather be a teacher, or a doctor, or something- anything that actually contributes something to the world aside from just selling more stuff to the American consumer. Sorry. Didin;t mean to hijack- just totally hear you. The hardest thing is making a change- so go for it, you can do it!

[Mom101]

Your optimism and reluctant excitement is wonderful. Go Nancy!

[Jackie]

Good luck, Nancy!!!
And I know I'm late but hope you and the hubs had a great anniversary!

[Kyla]

That is wonderful!! Good luck, Nancy!

[mamasgotmoxie]

good for you!!! i've got a sucky gig too and i know i'm meant to do far more than just this!