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August 26, 2006


I thought this was beautifully done. And I'm glad you're feeling better.

Also, I think "sleep when the baby sleeps" is the most ANNOYING thing anyone can say to a new mom.

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope that "getting it out" helps with the healing. I'm sure your words struck a chord with many. I was fortunate, I believe, to have only "normal" mommy mood swings. But I've had enough other problems in life to know that at our darkest times, we can't see anything else but black. I'm glad you are getting back to YOU Nancy.

I had similar experiences - no thoughts of hurting my child, but huge bouts of feeling like shit ALL THE TIME - and being incredibly unhappy with my life.

Your sharing helps. You, others, me, so many.

Depression is so hard...especially when you are supposed to be "joyful" about the baby arriving. Nobody tells you that the bonding experience takes time, and on top of that, if compounded by depression, one can be left so hopeless.

Thanks for sharing your story!

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm sure there are many mothers who feel this way and berate themselves for not feeling 100% overjoyed and blissful during the newborn stage. The physical recovery (I had an emergency c-section) after the birth of my first daughter was one of the toughest things I've ever been through. I remember the first night home was like sheer living HELL. My mother had offered to come and stay the night but I told her I was "ok." She came over promtly the next morning bright and early and after that I took any and all the help offered to me. There is still a prevalent silent code of motherhood that discourages new moms from "complaining" for fear of being labeled a so called bad mom. And that is so wrong!

I'm so glad that you shared this. I haven't written at length about PPD (Yet), but it is SOOOO important that we do keep talking about it - it's been hugely important for me, to know that I wasn't the only one.


Nancy, thank you so much for sharing this post with us. Knowledge is power; the more we talk about things like PPD, the more we are helping others -- and ourselves.

I was very scared of PPD when I was pregnant with Julia. I got pregnant with her not even two months after my mother died and I felt that her loss was going to be a precursor to PPD for me, since I was already deep in grief and depression. I spoke up and got support, from my GP, my OB and the Public Health system. Yet for me, the thing that was the most difficult after I had Julia wasn't PPD, it was seeing my MIL with my daughter, knowing my mother would never get that chance. It took months for me to get a handle on the emotions that came with that.

A year later my best friend had her daughter and battled PPD tooth and nail. It was very difficult for me to watch her go through it, as I had really no idea how she was feeling and felt helpless myself. I've thought several times since I've started blogging and reading blogs that it would have helped me help her if I had been reading blogs back then when she was going through it.

Again...thank you, Nancy.

You described this experience so fully and evocatively. I have BEEN THERE with the wishing-for-death thing. And you're right - it's not the same as a suicidal impulse; for me it was more that I couldn't think of anything in life that would make me feel better. Some time away from the baby? Sure, that would be nice except for all the resulting self-loathing (why would a mother EVER want to be away from her baby?). Chocolate? Sorry, no appetite. Since my first baby was born, I have episodes like this every few months. They only last few a day or two, and then go away on their own, so I haven't sought treatment, but they're the most horrifying experiences - and once they're over it's so hard for me to remember why I felt any of those things. Very disconcerting.

You're right about this post - it's so necessary for these stories to be told.

I'm so glad this is no longer the taboo subject it was. If anything, Tom Cruise pushed women into sharing their stories. Not letting him make them feel ashamed.

I too had a witching hour - 7pm and the tears started to flow. That was with the babies I had the least severe PPD. When it was bad with #4, it wad BAD. Nothing I would wish on anyone.

Thanks for sharing.

Thanks for sharing this. *hugs*

it's so difficult to put these feelings into words. you managed to convey it all so clearly, with your skilled, articulate writing.

thank you, Nancy.

Thanks for having the strength to put it all out there. Believe it or not, even those of us who have adopted children have gone through similar experiences and they are not easy. I can totally relate to your feelings of trying to just get through it, but sometimes taking care of yourself takes a little bit more.


You're right, it is so important to share this stories. Thank-you for doing so.

If you come to love yourself even half as much as we love you, Nancy, you'll be doing pretty darn good.

Big sloppy hugs.

I feel like the wayward commenter (I know I've been a wayward visitor).

What a great post. I admire your honesty for sharing the process. Tom Cruise doesn't even know what he's talking about - he's given birth exactly how many times?

Good on you for writing this.

I'm glad you shared this, Nancy. I'm even more glad that that time is moving into the past for you.

I am glad you shared your story. I do understand that feeling of lifting. Like you might really just be you again.

Maybe I ought to write up my own story on this. Information is power afterall. Information can battle back the voices such as Tom Cruise's. The voices which really don't know what they are saying.

Good for you for sharing. More moms need to hear and know this, and you gave such an honest perspective on it.

I'm so glad you're finding a new normal for yourself. I think it is so important that women share these experiences so we know we're not alone and so new moms like me know what to expect.

Thank you Nancy for sharing your story.

That was an awesome post. While probably painful for you to write, I'm sure it's helping a new mom out there right now.

Proud of you. I know it's hard to put into words and to let others in (I've suffered with depression for many years). You did a great job. We all appreciate it.

I've struggled with depression and there is a code of silence borne from self-loathing as much as anything else. Who wants to admit they feel this way, that they can't cope with an ordinary life? Who wants to let "normal" people hear about their hopelessness? What I discovered when I finally broke my silence through my blog is that so many people have been there. I no longer felt like a failure or a freak. My favorite parts of Dooce are where she describes life with depression. We need to know we're not alone.

Thanks for writing this. For the first weeks after I had my first son I felt like this but it was only temporary and totally hormonal. I remember crying over a pizza... I was very tired and emotional. I'm sorry you had to deal with it longer but I'm glad you got help.

Nancy, thanks for having the courage to write this. I don't know that I will ever have that courage. It was hard enough to talk about all my feelings with Kyle and with a psychiatrist (trained to handle them). I don't know that I will ever be ready to tell the Internet.

It fascinates me that all of us have such different feelings about that time - even how different our experiences are from one child to the next. But that feeling of dread as night approaches - you brought me right back to that terrible time.

It is spaces and places such as this, and heartfelt writing such as what you have done, that is opening a healthy door on motherhood.

You aren't alone, many others have been there.

You are brave and bold to share and write about it.

You are so brave to write this. Your post will undoubtedly help someone out there who may have been or is currently struggling with something similar. Thank you for having the courage to reach out with your story, Nancy.

Wow. Once again, I am in awe of you. You have taken a painful experience and put it into words so eloquently.

Thank you for sharing this important part of your journey with us.

First of all, LOVE LOVE LOVE the new haircut, sorry I didn't post that on the right post.

Second of all, thank you very much for sharing this story.

Thank you thank you thank you for sharing this.

It can't even compare, but I have had a couple of days of crushing anxiety during this pregnancy, usually brought on by lack of sleep or jet lag, and I realized then how very powerful hormones are. I'm trying to prepare myself for the possibility that maybe I'll have terrible days or weeks after this baby is born, and posts like this help me to realize that if I feel like that I can turn to people for help, including online friends.

Thanks for your honesty, Nancy. Hugs.

Thanks for writing that!! I am starting to feel the same way and I love that I am becoming more of who I used to be...a new me though as you said, b/c we are mothers. I am starting to teach 1/2 days which has really been the turning point for me feeling more like myself. I don't think I've ever been more fufilled b/c I feel so balanced! SO happy that you are starting to love yourself again...it is a wonderful think to have happen.

I had that exact same night dread. The thought of being alone in a house in charge of my daughter gave me bone-chilling panic. Every night at sunset everything would go all wierd.

Thanks for sharing. It is so important to remove the stigma and tell the truth so that women can be prepared and less scared if they have similar experinences!

I dreaded the nights, too. I don't think I could have another baby unless I also had a night nurse. I never felt I had PPD (although I could be in denial about that), but I definitely felt crazy and hopeless and unhappy.

I think the images we have from the media about PPD (if you have it, you kill your children, for example) are very extreme. It's likely that many more women have PPD than admit it because they don't feel "that bad."

I'm glad you had a supportive family who instinctively knew something wasn't right even when you were unable to communicate it.

I've been there too.

I'm SO very thankful for the meds. It's made this time so much easier to deal with. I still have the hormonal shit, but I don't feel that heavy blanket of fear/anger/anxiety laying on me like I did after L was born.

I feel like me.

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  • I'm Nancy, a (cough)40-something(cough) mother of 2 living in the DC metro area. When I'm not working, I'm home with my husband J and my two girls Mimi and Rosie.

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